Friday, August 26, 2016

When Is It Time To Let Go?

Second Chance

Not everyone deserves a second chance.  Yan ang paniniwala ako.  At higit pa, hindi porke't you were offered a "second chance" you will grab it like an small child being offered a candy bar.

I do sound bitter I know.  Pero sa buhay na ginagalawan ko, I really don't think that everyone should get a second chance.  I have, trust me, tried given someone not only second but all the chances in the world, pero "anyare?" bigo.  I wish I was strong enough to just end it and walk away when I had the chance.  Pero hindi.  I chose to give him a second chance, then third, fourth, and now hindi ko na mabilang kung gaano karaming chances ang binigay ko,   Each time, I end up worse than the previous kasi little by little I lose my sense of dignity.  Para akong tanga na habol ng habol.  Para akong tanga na nanunuyo, nag sosorry kahit hindi ako ang may kasalanan just so matapos na ang away at maging "okay" na kami. Akala ko noon, that is what you do when you love someone.  YOU NEVER GIVE UP.  Pero mali.  You only never give up on someone you doesn't give up on you.  Kasi kung one-sided ang love story ang ending laging sawi.

How to Really Love Someone

Paano nga ba? Ang dami ko ng nabasa na mga "How To" pero sa totoo hindi mo naman talaga ma-apply ang iba.

Ang sabi - you must love like you will never love again.
Ang sabi - know the person fully and accept all the flaws
Ang sabi - choose to love that person
Ang sabi - tell you love him/her every chance you get
Ang sabi - ang daming sinasabi.

Hindi nila sinabi na dapat kapag nagmamahal ka, mahalin mo rin ang sarili mo.  Madalas nakakalimutan natin yun.  Madalas nakakalimutan ko yun.  I am so into him and I forget myself.

I cannot really remember anymore who I was.  I tried to change to please him not realizing I will never be enough.  That I will never the be his "dream girl."  So yes bitter talaga ako.  Kasi all I ever wanted is to be good enough for him, but it will never happen, no matter what I do.

One-Sided Relationship

Minsan inisip ko masyado lang ba akong mapaghanap o talaga kulang lang.  Halimbawa, he would give me flowers on Valentines Day, on our anniversary and on my birthday.  Yes, thrice a year.  That is if the occasion falls on days that we have work kasi may flower shop dun sa workplace, otherwise, he would just greet me.  He would not make effort to make it special.  Often he makes me feel that I do not deserve anything.  This year he did not give me flowers on our anniversary, when I asked him, he told me basta ayaw lang daw niya.  Inisip ko di naman talaga big deal di ba, yeah!! I tried to convince myself its not a big deal, pero aminin nyo girls...BIG DEAL di ba.  but I learned to let it go though I told myself that before I die I will tell him to not give me flowers on my wake and on my grave.  BITTER.  Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ako, I always make it special for him.  Kapag birthday ko, take note MY BIRTHDAY, ako pa nagreregalo sa kanya, kapag anniv namin ganun din.  Ako nagpaplano ng date namin. Ako lang ang super excited.  Siya naman  "keri" lang.

Nasanay na ako.  I never felt wanted.  Never felt needed.  Never felt loved.

Siguro may mali sa akin.  Siguro masyado akong demanding.  Siguro I really don't deserve his love.  Siguro....siguro...siguro hindi siya tama para sa akin.


When Is It Time To Let Go

- When you have exhausted all the means to make your relationship work.
- When you have tried your level best to be that person who you think he would love.
- When you start feel tired trying.

No.  Hindi yan ang basehan.  You know its time to let go when you are starting to hate yourself trying to be someone you are not.  You know its time to let go when finally you realize you have forgotten to love yourself in the process of loving someone else.  You know its time to let go when just thinking about the person gives you that heavy feeling in the chest that you want to shout out loud F*CK!.


I think its time for me to let go.  I don't know how but I know it's time.  It won't be easy. Mending a broken heart is never easy, but mending a broken soul is far more difficult.  I am a broken soul.  It would take time to to pick up all the pieces again, but if I don't do it now, I won't be able to do it anymore.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Ano nga ba ang kagaya ko

"Gaya mo nanan sayo" sabi niya.  Isa lang yan sa mga insulto/pangaasar na sinasabi nya sa akin every now and then, and as always hindi naman ako nakibo.  Nagiisp lang ako.  Ano nga ba ang gaya ko.

I am still legally married nung maging kami though hiwalay na kami ng asawa ko.  A few months into the relationship I decided to file an annulment kasi isip ko ang pangit naman ng relasyon namin kung may legal pa rin akong asawa.  Bago naging kami nagkaroon ako ng isang short-lived relationship.  I will not explain why it was short-lived, let us just say na I was not happy so I decided to end it.  We had so many trials when we were just starting kasi hindi lang ex-GF nya pati ex-BF ko ginugulo kami, nakisali pa ang mga so-called friends na nakisawsaw.  Anyway, hindi ko masasabi na mabuti akong tao kasi wala naman akong ebidensya pero alam ko sa sarili ko na mapagmahal ko.

When my annulment is finally over, sabi nya magpakasal na daw kami.  Syempre ang saya ng lola nyo, he was everything I ever asked for.  Lagi nyang sinasabi sa akin dati na "past is past" daw, kaya siguro kahit minsan hindi niya ako tinanong about sa ex-husband ko, kung bakit kami naghiwalay at kung ano ano pa about sa past ko.  I was lucky to have found someone who will not remind me of my past kasi its something na ayoko ng isipin pa.  That's what I thought.

We had a fairytale like wedding, sa loob ng isang famous cave. I looked like Cinderella on my wedding gown.   I am the happiest girl that time.  My husband is not the sweetest and most thoughtful guy on earth, siguro 10% lang ang sweetness niya sa katawan at 10% lang din ang thoughtfulness niya. But I love him.  Yun lang ang importante dun.  Bukod naman kasi sa pagiging totoy bato niya wala naman akong ibang masabi sa ugali niya.  Overall, okay pa rin naman siya.  Bihira kaming magaway kahit nung mag BF-GF pa lang kami talagang once in a blue moon lang, pero nga lang kapag nag-away kami minsan di nya ako kinikibo ng halos dalawang araw.  Kahit dugo na nga iluha mo wala siyang pakialam.  Bato nga sya eh.  Sobrang tigas.

Hindi ko masasabi na hindi ako masaya sa buhay ko ngayon, kasi ang totoo, kahit mas magaling magparamdam ng inis kesa pagmamahal ang asawa ko masaya pa rin naman ako.  Nakuntento na ako at natangap sa sarili ko na he will never be someone like Edward Cullen or Christian Grey. He is not sweet, he will never be.

There are times na inisip ko kung bakit ba nya ako pinakasalan kung every chance he gets he would remind me of "who I was" sabi nga niya.  Hindi ko naman siya pinilit.  Hindi naman ako buntis. Lalong hindi ko siya tinutukan ng baril to marry me.

Ang totoo masama ang loob ko ngayon.  Nagaway kami ng hindi ko alam kung anong dahilan.  Ang alam ko lang I walked ahead of him kasi nga lagi akong naiiwan kapag naglalakad lalo na kapag may kasabay kaming mga kasama niya sa work.  Madalas hinahabol ko siya kapag naglalakad kami.  Sasabihin nya ang bagal kong maglakad pero di naman talaga ako mabagal, mabilis lang maglakad yung mga kasabay namin na sinasabayan nya kaya naiiwan ako.  Hindi lang naman isang beses nya ginawa sa akin yun.  Madalas kapag naglalakad kami kahit sabihin ko na masakit paa ko hindi sya sasabay sa pace ko, he would sometimes drag me para makasabay sa kanya or pipilitin kong sumabay kahit masakit nga paa ko.  Yun lang ginawa ko kahapon, thinking na makakahabol naman sila ng paglalakad nagpatiuna na ako.  Tapos when we arrived home he was acting irritated.  He ate alone without even asking me to join him and he slept in the couch .  In the morning he did not even bother to say goodbye.  Well ganun naman talaga siya kapag naiinis siya pero di ko lang talaga maintindihan kung anong mali sa ginawa ko.